It seems there are a few things you can do in the world of tournament bass fishing to make yourself way cooler and possibly more intimidating to your fellow competitors. Here are a few to get you started:
1) Show up late to registration.
The later you show up to registration, the cooler you are. Preferably the last 5 minutes. It says, “I’m cool, I’ve done this before… It’s not like they’re going to start without me. I’m a fishing rock star.” Of course, you’ll want to stand in the back corner of the room and make it a point to look like you’re not paying attention.
2) Wear those colors!
Of course, you must show up to any fishing related event in fully decked out sponsor logo regalia. The more colors and louder in appearance, the better… You should at all times look like a walking NASCAR. Perusing a boat show? Wear it. Going to Bass Pro Shops? Wear it. Attending a weigh-in as an observer in the crowd? Wear it.
Be sure to wear your jersey into the Logan’s Roadhouse and Mexican restaurants after the registration meeting. This will alert the public that a real bass pro is in their midst. It allows you to promote your product to the waitress, who might otherwise never discover the attributes of a “HookPro Customs Jiggle Jig” had she not seen the cartoon-looking logo atop your left pec.
3) Rock some initials.
Is your name John Doe?… Not anymore. It’s “JD”.
Thomas Long??… No, you are now “TL”.
You must be known by letters. JT Kenney gets away with it, so why not you too, right? I mean, after all, you have a wrapped boat and everything and are a “pro”, so why not?
4) Grab a “handle”.
You need a nickname inside of your name. You must use quotation marks around the nickname. Nothing looks better down the side of a boat than this!
Is your name JD Wilson?… Not anymore. Your name is JD “Junkyard” Wilson.
Is your name Richard Downs Smith?… Not anymore. You are RD “Dick Down” Smith.
This doesn’t have to be a name that is given to you in a naturally occurring, organically derived way. You may contrive it yourself and refer to yourself as this until it hopefully catches on.
5) Do not remove that plastic wrap!
If you get new rods that come with plastic wrap or stickers around the handle, leave it on. This makes it look like you don’t give a damn… like you get so many new rods sent to you that you can’t even keep up with the task of removing the plastic around the cork. It’s like you are flooded with factory fresh gear raining down on you all day. Your hand is sore from signing all of the UPS delivery confirmations because so many companies send you free stuff. How can you possibly remove all the plastic and stickers?
6) Wear multiple different hats in a single day.
Of course, if you are “sponsored”, you get dozens of fresh new hats representing the approximately two dozen companies you are sponsored by, so show them off and impress onlookers. For extra hardcoreness and coolness, change your hat at least twice per day. For example, wear one hat to fish in and swap to another before weigh-in.
7) Get sunburnt.
Of course, this goes without saying. You are not cool until you get absolutely fried. Preferably, your skin should be peeling by the time the tournament begins. This means you are HARDCORE! It makes people think you spent more time on the water practicing than they did. This will intimidate your opponents for sure.
Though he is burnt to a crisp here, Kelly Jordan actually is cool.
————
That’s all for now, but this should be enough to get you going!
Fish Strong!
